True Self

It’s been almost two months since I have been living with my boyfriend now and I have to say, it isn’t always going well.

See, we tend to fight a lot: we both are strong individuals with very precise views on life and no intention in hell to let go of any principle. That’s the ego-flattering version.

The true reason is quite plain, actually. I guess it is true what they say: you have to put an effort into sharing your life with someone, and for that you have to make priorities. If such phrases as “the big picture” or “the ultimate goal” do not appeal to you – and they definitely don’t to me, since I can’t stand the mere thought of planning something ahead in my love life, I think, now that I’m speaking from experience, that it is still best to always stop and think: what is the most important for me right now? To win this stupid (or not so stupid, arguments are not always stupid) argument, or go to bed happy and kiss and make up? I am never thinking too much ahead. Maybe I should. But what I know is that when I remember to take a step back from an argument and force my ego to swallow it’s pride (or punch it really hard), I feel really wonderful afterwards. I know the fight I have just won isn’t against the person I love the most in the world (how shallow of me would it be!) but against the little devil I have inside, which constantly desguises as my true nature but actually is a perversion. And in the end, I am not sure there is a “true nature” for any of us, as we move around our lives, adapt, make space and grow. In “non-yogic” terms, this only means that nothing is written in stone: an argument isn’t the end, and if you shout one minute, it is only up to you to laugh the next. The only person you have to be accountable to is yourself: being true to yourself means never doing anything for the sake of it or for how it looks on the outside… What it means is up to you to discover.

The secret for it to work, of course, is that it has to come from both of us. If it doesn’t, you can either become so “zen” you won’t even need to have another person by your side anymore to challenge and love you, or just … explode and throw things around and maybe kill someone. 

The balance, as always, is the most difficult part. 

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And the only magic ingredient there is is the trust you have in the other person, when you constantly know that whatever you do, you do it the safe space of your relationship, that you can always laugh about it and never be afraid of being hurt. 

But what if you are? Something I’m working on…

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